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Parents gone wild: Sports & Science
By Rrrandy Wurst | November 30, 2008
“Joshua, you WILL play soccer. Your genetic profile shows that this is your best chance of ultimate success, which means that soccer is YOUR sport. Daddy and I don’t care what you want. Put down that basketball, put on your shinguards, and shut up!”
“Amanda, stop your whining and jump into that pool. Your genetic profile says that you are a natural-born swimmer. Amanda!, you come right back here this instant or no dinner for you!”
Isn’t science wonderful? Now some company in Colorado is selling a DNA test–just a Q-tip swipe inside the little one’s mouth–that tells Mumsie and Dad which particular sport they should shove their kids into. One Colorado Mom, Donna Campiglia (no relation to this piglia), said knowing what her two-and-a-half year old kid’s best sport will be is very important because, “I think it would prevent a lot of parental frustration.”
Right, lady, that’s what it’s all about, saving your frustration. No matter what the kid wants. Because a kid “properly directed” with “no wrong turns” or “wasted effort” and using “utmost scientific efficiency” might some day make you famous, save you from having to pay for a college education (maybe get that lakeside cabin, instead). The kid might even turn professional some day or at least make the Olympic team to give you bragging rights on the golf course and at dinner parties. If all goes well, of course. Because there might be an injury. Or a dumb coach who couldn’t see talent if it was poking him/her in the eye. But at least you gave the kid a good start with the DNA test and then shoving the kid in the direction that good old Gene# ACTN-3 said to shove.
Humans have 20,000 genes. (I don’t know how many pigs have, and I don’t want to know. I’d rather read all of Heidegger under water.) ACTN-3 is the specific gene which these scientists in Boulder, Colorado, believe determines a kid’s particular sport-related strengths. Ain’t knowledge grand. Albert Einstein thought so. Later in life he also learned that it’s more important what you do with knowledge than that you “discovered” it. Something to do with consequences.
One researcher from Maryland isn’t so hot for the ACTN-3 test. “It seems to be important at very elite levels of competition,” Dr. Stephen M. Roth said. “But is it going to affect little Johnny when he participates in soccer, or Suzy’s ability to perform sixth grade track and field? There’s very little evidence to suggest that.” Which isn’t likely to stop the Boulder folks from peddling their test at $149 a pop.
But even that offering of common sense misses an important point, more important certainly than a parent’s frustration or not “maximizing one’s potential. What about the kid? Is he a machine? Is she the source of parents’ financial and psychic well-being? Well, regarding that question, a lot of people seem to think that’s the proper way to “conceive” of and raise a child. Which may be why we’ve raised so many Henry Paulsons and other highly self-regarded executives who believe that maximization of profit is what life is all about. ALL about. It’s the mind-set that leads to sports perfection in China (and the former East Germany if you can remember back that far), to Barry Bonds-type arrogance and the general current state of overblown self-regard.
There must be a better way to help our kids find stuff to do not seated in front of an electronic screen. How about, say, er, lemme see, the way WE and our own folks got into things. Either that or just forget the whole child-bearing thing and go down to the local robot store. It’ll be located at former General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler dealerships.
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